Monday, January 25, 2010

CVWA MoVaginal Chairman Admits Liaison with Tiger Woods

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my shaft crossing has caused to so many people," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an astonishing revelation DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has been accused of an intentional shaft crossing with Tiger "Long Baller" Woods.  Harry Martini, DonJon's publicist and founder of Handled Messiahs Public Relations, offered the following carefully worded statement:

DonJon hosted the Certified Vagina Whisperer MoOpen at Hidden Dunes where he competed in a mixed foursome with Tiger "Long Baller" Woods.  Playing with Tiger was Rachel "U-Cheat'a" Uchitel.  Known for her legendary slice, she is capable of taking both the back nine and the front nine.  Joining DonJon in strokeplay were the Swizzle Sisters, conjoined twins Paris and Rehanna.  

On the first hole Tiger pulled out his stiff tipped long wood.  Using an interlocking grip, his backstroke accentuating the whippy shaft, he smoothly followed through with a quick release that rested just short of the hole.  Admonishing Rachel to keep her "head down and legs spread wide", she strapped on a Big Bertha and hammered an explosive drive to the frog hair.  

DonJon, known to fourball old school, used his bulger to find the sweet spot on the feathery, landing a plugged ball.  Having shagged in the practice area the Swizzle Sister were anxious to get teed off.  Preferring rough play, they asked DonJon for his driving mashie with a high flex point.  After a few wild whiffs they stroked the whipping off the shaft. 

Consulting his stroke index for difficulty, Tiger punched Rachel's gap wedge short of the punch bowl and landed the pot bunker instead.  Preferring a bump and run approach, Rachel took a gimmie after Tiger lipped the hole.  

DonJon, using revolutionary technique, caressed the feathery with a niblick just lightly rimming out the hole.  The Swizzle Sisters, playing aggressively with DonJon's bag, chunked the guttie with the rut iron pulling a worm burner hole high.

Both resting on the carpet in a stymie and only two strokes off the tournament record, tensions were high between DonJon and Tiger.  With putters in hand, they carefully plum bobbed the hole.  Tiger confidently approached, but stroked his putter errantly and their balls collided.  Awkwardly moving to replace their balls DonJon and Tiger crossed shafts.

The gallery, stunned by the foul, reported the move to the press.  Although DonJon denies any intentional contact, he has offered the following statement to his fans.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my shaft crossing has caused to so many people, most of all my fans and the Merry Molochsters. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.  

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at Moloch the Plutocracy, my bohemian partners, the CVWA Tour, and my fellow vagina whisperers, for their understanding. What's most important now is that the Merry Molochsters have the time, privacy, and safe haven they will need for personal healing.  

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional vagina whispering. I need to focus my attention on being a better publisher, molochster, and bohemian.  

Again, I ask for privacy for the Merry Molochsters and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Thank you for your understanding. DonJon, CVW."

The Certified Vagina Whisperer Association (CVWA) has not issued a statement.  DonJon is the  leading tour whisperer in strokeplay championships and all time skins winner.  His departure from the tour is certain to cause turmoil for the association, his sponsors and the network distributors.

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