Tuesday, March 23, 2010

DonJon to Whisper Gaga Vagina

"if anyone can coax the Gaga Vagina out it's DonJon, " Harry Martini. 



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Government sources have confirmed that DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and Chairman of the Certified Vagina Whisperer Association (CVWA), has been engaged to resolve the Lady Gaga vagina controversy.  Reports have been circulating that America's latest Pop Sexsation actually has a penis.  An embarrassment that would threaten the delicate balance of world pop culture power.  DonJon is the countries leading Certified Vagina Whisperer licensed to "practice his love with women" worldwide. 


Bryain Moylin of Gawker has pursued an extensive journalistic enquiry into the issue and determined that Lady Gaga was wearing a prosthetic vagina disguising a penis in recent shows.

The recent report that Lady Gaga asked Boy George to sign her vagina has caused concern,   "This is a matter of national security that must be handle delicately," states Janet "Little Napoleon" Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, "We don't feel Boy George is not the man... or person for the job."  

DonJon has been under suspcion by Homeland Security for un-American activities and is concerned they are using this as a ploy to locate him.  "DonJon is happy to render his services to our great country, but would require certain precautions," confirmed Harry Martini, DonJon's Publicist, adding, "If anyone can coax the Gaga vagina out it's DonJon."  







Links:

TV.com: http://www.tv.com/lady-gaga-ask-boy-george-to-sign-her-vagina/webnews/53121.html#


Friday, February 19, 2010

A Lesson from Capt'n DonJonLongDeck

"Watch for t' wigglin' and rapidly steer your prow fore." Capt'n DonJonLongDeck



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Capt'n DonJonLongDeck has be gracious enough to provide a lesson for our members...

Arr, Me Vagina Whispering Hearties,  
T' Women love ye Pirate... Last night, I was at t' was at a littl' party, it was a group o' beautiful hipsters, a smatterin' o' artists, and one Amaroti Pirate in t' crowd trawlin' for booty... some very fine booty for sure.  As Amaroti Pirates we have been taught that a good effort is better than a grand exit... So we never abandon ship.  
Today, I will offer ye bilge rats a smatterin' o' me efforts, one in particular that may help.  Capt'n Zan has given us our orders; one written in beautiful prose, that "Life is a Dance."  It is in this profound thought that lay the path t' grand treaayes... yes the booty of ye eayes is in t' Dance o' Life.  
Arr, but here is me lesson... I spotted a glowin' bronze beauty wigglin' impatiently across t' room... Avast, what a beauty... My hornpipe was tinglin' smartly.  She had shaply thin legs t' depth o' t' Atlantic wrapped in tight dark denim that landed on a rollin' fertile island wit' a narrow shoreline sweepin' t' petite pronounced hills firmly peakin' t' the sky.  Dark black flora that glowed in t' moonlight.  Ahoy, Prepare to be boarded... Now, put ye grog down mates, and listen carefully.

T' wigglin' means she has t' dance in her body... t' Dance o' Life, mates... T' wigglin' is a sign callin' t' Amaroti Pirate... Ahoy, ya' must have t' Dance o' Life as well... Be a Dancin' Amorati Pirate.
She was a wigglin' to t' music tryin' to get her mate to move with her, but he was a hipster bung hole and couldn't see to it.  Now keep in mind this was not a dancin' venue and t' squeamish, t' hipster, and t' self-conscious are afraid of t' Dance o' Life.  At the perfect moment, I began to dance with myself near t' beauty of me eayes, t' only mate dancin' in fact.  I saw from her movement that she must dance, she could not stop movin'.  In a mere fraction of a minute t' Ol' Sea Dog had her in hand... she came to me, before I could approach... she was lured into my quarters by t' Dance o' Life.  
T' rest is future history...   
T' lesson of t' story?  Watch for t' wigglin' and rapidly steer your prow fore.
Fair Winds, Me CVA Hearties, I am
Capt'n DonJonLongDeck of t' Frigate Bootylicious 







Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Mysterious Probe Spotted Retreating from Urvaginus

"We have a gentleman's agreement; I will probe Urvaginus first,"  DonJon.



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - MoBoho University Asstronomers spotted a mysterious X-shaped probe beating a hasty retreat from Urvaginus trailing Interstellar Spermal Streamers. Close inspection of the image, captured by NASA's Hubble Telescope, indicates that the probe may be property of Virgin Intergalactic, owned by Sir Richard “The De-Virginator” Branson. If true, the penetration of Urvaginus and premature retraction would be a breech of contract with DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy over landing rights to the Planet. 

Asstronomers at MoBoho University recently discovered the Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus. DonJonVonavich, MoBoho Dean of Students, dubbed the new planet "Urvaginus," and hailed it a "Life Affirming Discovery." Adding, "Trust me, I will live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

Within weeks of the discovery, DonJon announced a joint venture with Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus. The New Corporation, MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, was incorporated and Branson dedicated his largest Probe to the project. Initial tests of his Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation. DonJon is scheduled to led an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus. 

It is uncertain if this announcement will jeopardize the expedition. "I respect Branson as a leader in tapping Virgin territory," stated DonJon, "But, we have a gentleman's agreement; I probe Urvaginus first. It is an alluring prize, if he is only thinking with his Interstellar Probe he will easily be drawn into the tain'tisphere of the Planet. Once the tain'tisphere is penetrated, he can't resist landing his Probe." When asked if his Probe and the Planet had any contact, Branson answered, "Uh, I don't know what your talking about... Uh, probe Urvaginus? Uh, no of course not... Uh, why do you ask?"



Urvaginus has been embroiled in controversy from the beginning of it's discovery. The Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and claimed their Theostronomers had discovered Urpenis tucked tightly in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.

Links:

NASA - Hubble Space Telescope - http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hubble/science/asteroid-20100202.html

University of Arizona
HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635


Thursday, January 28, 2010

DonJon Announces Virgin Joint Venture to Penetrate Urvaginus

"I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia,"  DonJon.



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and MoVaginal Chairman of The Certified Vagina Whisperers Association (CVWA), announced a joint venture with Sir Richard "The De-Virginator" Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus within the decade.  

Asstrologists at MoBoho University recently discovered the New Planet while exploring the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  "We had no idea what was at the other end," claims MoBoho Senior Asstrologist, Dr. Dick Hurtz. 

The New Corporation, dubbed MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, is devoted to the exploration of the Mons Pubis laden Planet.  Branson, a pioneer in Intergalactic Travel and renowned De-Virginator,  has dedicated his largest Probe to the the venture, named the Probus-Mons-Pubis Intergalactic Pleasure Ship.  "We will penetrate Urvaginus from every Angle with our Pleasure Ship until we are Satisfied," states Branson. 

Initial tests of Branson's Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation.  "The Probe was stroked and ready for Interstellar Penetration, but couldn't hold it's tanks," claims Branson.    

DonJon will lead an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus.  "She will not be easy to land," states DonJon, "I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia." 





In a related story, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ (LogBaggers4C) have retained the services of Professor Bimm, Mad Pseudo-Scientist and Living Root Vegetable, to disprove the existence of Urvaginus.  The LogBaggers4Cs have denounce the planetary discovery as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist." 

"If anyone can disprove the existence of Urvaginus, It is Professor Bimm," states the LogBaggers4C spokesperson, Hymie Hyman.  Professor Bimm works at Harvard University's Ivory Basement diabolically plotting to negate the life's work of the Good Citizens of the World.


Links:


University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635










Tuesday, January 26, 2010

CVWA Chairman Discovers Urvaginus

"Urvaginus will change the way we look at Uranus!  I know, I've been looking a lot," DonJon, Dean of Students, MoBoho University.


Chelsea Hotel (MP)In an astonishing discovery Asstrologists at MoBoho University have discovered a New Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  "We had no idea what would be at the other end," claims MoBoho Senior Asstrologist, Dr. Hugh G. Rection. 

The new planet has been dubbed by DonJonVonavich, Dean of Students, as "Urvaginus."  Hailed by DonJon as a "Life Affirming Discovery,"  he added, "Trust me, I am going to live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

But not everyone is celebrating the discovery, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ, referred to as the LogBaggers4C, have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist."  

Claiming their Theostrologists have discovered a "Planetary Package" tucked tightly between the Tain'tisphere of the New Planet, the Spokesman for LogBaggers4C, Hymie Hyman, stated "This is clear evidence of Intelligent Design, rather as God would have it, we have 'Urpenis'."




Links:


University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

Monday, January 25, 2010

CVWA MoVaginal Chairman Admits Liaison with Tiger Woods

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my shaft crossing has caused to so many people," DonJon.



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an astonishing revelation DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has been accused of an intentional shaft crossing with Tiger "Long Baller" Woods.  Harry Martini, DonJon's publicist and founder of Handled Messiahs Public Relations, offered the following carefully worded statement:

DonJon hosted the Certified Vagina Whisperer MoOpen at Hidden Dunes where he competed in a mixed foursome with Tiger "Long Baller" Woods.  Playing with Tiger was Rachel "U-Cheat'a" Uchitel.  Known for her legendary slice, she is capable of taking both the back nine and the front nine.  Joining DonJon in strokeplay were the Swizzle Sisters, conjoined twins Paris and Rehanna.  

On the first hole Tiger pulled out his stiff tipped long wood.  Using an interlocking grip, his backstroke accentuating the whippy shaft, he smoothly followed through with a quick release that rested just short of the hole.  Admonishing Rachel to keep her "head down and legs spread wide", she strapped on a Big Bertha and hammered an explosive drive to the frog hair.  

DonJon, known to fourball old school, used his bulger to find the sweet spot on the feathery, landing a plugged ball.  Having shagged in the practice area the Swizzle Sister were anxious to get teed off.  Preferring rough play, they asked DonJon for his driving mashie with a high flex point.  After a few wild whiffs they stroked the whipping off the shaft. 

Consulting his stroke index for difficulty, Tiger punched Rachel's gap wedge short of the punch bowl and landed the pot bunker instead.  Preferring a bump and run approach, Rachel took a gimmie after Tiger lipped the hole.  

DonJon, using revolutionary technique, caressed the feathery with a niblick just lightly rimming out the hole.  The Swizzle Sisters, playing aggressively with DonJon's bag, chunked the guttie with the rut iron pulling a worm burner hole high.

Both resting on the carpet in a stymie and only two strokes off the tournament record, tensions were high between DonJon and Tiger.  With putters in hand, they carefully plum bobbed the hole.  Tiger confidently approached, but stroked his putter errantly and their balls collided.  Awkwardly moving to replace their balls DonJon and Tiger crossed shafts.

The gallery, stunned by the foul, reported the move to the press.  Although DonJon denies any intentional contact, he has offered the following statement to his fans.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my shaft crossing has caused to so many people, most of all my fans and the Merry Molochsters. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.  

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at Moloch the Plutocracy, my bohemian partners, the CVWA Tour, and my fellow vagina whisperers, for their understanding. What's most important now is that the Merry Molochsters have the time, privacy, and safe haven they will need for personal healing.  

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional vagina whispering. I need to focus my attention on being a better publisher, molochster, and bohemian.  

Again, I ask for privacy for the Merry Molochsters and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Thank you for your understanding. DonJon, CVW."
 

The Certified Vagina Whisperer Association (CVWA) has not issued a statement.  DonJon is the  leading tour whisperer in strokeplay championships and all time skins winner.  His departure from the tour is certain to cause turmoil for the association, his sponsors and the network distributors.