DonJon Announces Virgin Joint Venture to Penetrate Urvaginus

"I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and MoVaginal Chairman of The Certified Vagina Whisperers Association (CVWA), announced a joint venture with Sir Richard "The De-Virginator" Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus within the decade.  

Asstrologists at MoBoho University recently discovered the New Planet while exploring the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  "We had no idea what was at the other end," claims MoBoho Senior Asstrologist, Dr. Dick Hurtz. 

The New Corporation, dubbed MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, is devoted to the exploration of the Mons Pubis laden Planet.  Branson, a pioneer in Intergalactic Travel and renowned De-Virginator,  has dedicated his largest Probe to the the venture, named the Probus-Mons-Pubis Intergalactic Pleasure Ship.  "We will penetrate Urvaginus from every Angle with our Pleasure Ship until we are Satisfied," states Branson. 

Initial tests of Branson's Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation.  "The Probe was stroked and ready for Interstellar Penetration, but couldn't hold it's tanks," claims Branson.    

DonJon will lead an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus.  "She will not be easy to land," states DonJon, "I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia." 

In a related story, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ (LogBaggers4C) have retained the services of Professor Bimm, Mad Pseudo-Scientist and Living Root Vegetable, to disprove the existence of Urvaginus.  The LogBaggers4Cs have denounce the planetary discovery as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist." 

"If anyone can disprove the existence of Urvaginus, It is Professor Bimm," states the LogBaggers4C spokesperson, Hymie Hyman.  Professor Bimm works at Harvard University's Ivory Basement diabolically plotting to negate the life's work of the Good Citizens of the World.

Links:

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

CVWA Chairman Discovers Urvaginus

"Urvaginus will change the way we look at Uranus!  I know, I've been looking a lot," DonJon, Dean of Students, MoBoho University.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an astonishing discovery Asstrologists at MoBoho University have discovered a New Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  "We had no idea what would be at the other end," claims MoBoho Senior Asstrologist, Dr. Hugh G. Rection. 

The new planet has been dubbed by DonJonVonavich, Dean of Students, as "Urvaginus."  Hailed by DonJon as a "Life Affirming Discovery,"  he added, "Trust me, I am going to live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

But not everyone is celebrating the discovery, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ, referred to as the LogBaggers4C, have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist."  

Claiming their Theostrologists have discovered a "Planetary Package" tucked tightly between the Tain'tisphere of the New Planet, the Spokesman for LogBaggers4C, Hymie Hyman, stated "This is clear evidence of Intelligent Design, rather as God would have it, we have 'Urpenis'."

Links:

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

CVWA MoVaginal Chairman Admits Liaison with Tiger Woods

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my shaft crossing has caused to so many people," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an astonishing revelation DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has been accused of an intentional shaft crossing with Tiger "Long Baller" Woods.  Harry Martini, DonJon's publicist and founder of Handled Messiahs Public Relations, offered the following carefully worded statement:

DonJon hosted the Certified Vagina Whisperer MoOpen at Hidden Dunes where he competed in a mixed foursome with Tiger "Long Baller" Woods.  Playing with Tiger was Rachel "U-Cheat'a" Uchitel.  Known for her legendary slice, she is capable of taking both the back nine and the front nine.  Joining DonJon in strokeplay were the Swizzle Sisters, conjoined twins Paris and Rehanna.  

On the first hole Tiger pulled out his stiff tipped long wood.  Using an interlocking grip, his backstroke accentuating the whippy shaft, he smoothly followed through with a quick release that rested just short of the hole.  Admonishing Rachel to keep her "head down and legs spread wide", she strapped on a Big Bertha and hammered an explosive drive to the frog hair.  

DonJon, known to fourball old school, used his bulger to find the sweet spot on the feathery, landing a plugged ball.  Having shagged in the practice area the Swizzle Sister were anxious to get teed off.  Preferring rough play, they asked DonJon for his driving mashie with a high flex point.  After a few wild whiffs they stroked the whipping off the shaft. 

Consulting his stroke index for difficulty, Tiger punched Rachel's gap wedge short of the punch bowl and landed the pot bunker instead.  Preferring a bump and run approach, Rachel took a gimmie after Tiger lipped the hole.  

DonJon, using revolutionary technique, caressed the feathery with a niblick just lightly rimming out the hole.  The Swizzle Sisters, playing aggressively with DonJon's bag, chunked the guttie with the rut iron pulling a worm burner hole high.

Both resting on the carpet in a stymie and only two strokes off the tournament record, tensions were high between DonJon and Tiger.  With putters in hand, they carefully plum bobbed the hole.  Tiger confidently approached, but stroked his putter errantly and their balls collided.  Awkwardly moving to replace their balls DonJon and Tiger crossed shafts.

The gallery, stunned by the foul, reported the move to the press.  Although DonJon denies any intentional contact, he has offered the following statement to his fans.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my shaft crossing has caused to so many people, most of all my fans and the Merry Molochsters. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.  

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at Moloch the Plutocracy, my bohemian partners, the CVWA Tour, and my fellow vagina whisperers, for their understanding. What's most important now is that the Merry Molochsters have the time, privacy, and safe haven they will need for personal healing.  

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional vagina whispering. I need to focus my attention on being a better publisher, molochster, and bohemian.  

Again, I ask for privacy for the Merry Molochsters and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Thank you for your understanding. DonJon, CVW." 

The Certified Vagina Whisperer Association (CVWA) has not issued a statement.  DonJon is the  leading tour whisperer in strokeplay championships and all time skins winner.  His departure from the tour is certain to cause turmoil for the association, his sponsors and the network distributors.