Rumors Fly DonJon to Announce Candidacy at MoCarnival

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it. "  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival 2012 on August 19th. DonJon was nominated the 2008 presidential candidate on the Molocratic Party ticket at their convention in Black Rock City. He refused the nomination.

“We have been courting him since Lynette ‘Squeaky’ Fromme withdrew from consideration,” states Bubbie John Daniel, Arm Chairman of the Molocratic National Committee. The Molocratic Party is America’s only Multi-Level-Marketing Political Party. Members are offered New World Order Distributorships that pay residual income on Unlimited Patriot Down-lines up to 13 Colonial Levels deep, and can qualify for Brotherhood Recruiting Bonuses.

The Molocratic Party National Convention is being held this year in Black Rock City during the 2012 Burning Man Festival at the Motropolis official camp.

DonJon is refusing to confirm his intentions, stating, “It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it.”

You Want More DonJon? 

Read The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream

Episode One: Prelude to a Dream - Now Available on Amazon Kindle

Coming in Trade Paper Back Soon

Limited Edition 2008 Draft DonJon Signed Poster 

Available at MoCarnival 2012

The Butterfly Bar

Sunday, August 19th

3pm - Midnight

JFK Had Different Vision for Piece Corp

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Certified Vagina Whisperer Association has released classified information dating to the administration of John F. Kennedy, a founding member of the CVWA, about his true intent for the Peace Corps.

In the documents, the President suggested "an organization that would serve as a recruiting source for young talented women to fill leadership roles." He referred to the new organization as a "Piece Corps" and claimed he felt, "there is not enough piece in the world to satisfy the needs of men like us." The President signed off with the now famous CVWA motto, 'If You're Not Thinking About Pussy, Your Mind is Wandering, Jack."


The first of many recruited by the President was Marion "Mimi" Beardsley, a nineteen year old freshman from Wheaton College, who has just published a book about her affair with President Kennedy. Her book, Once Upon a Secret: My Affair with President John F. Kennedy and Its Aftermath, does not disclose the Presidents association with the CVWA, but alludes to his skills in numerous passages.


Included in the documents is the transcript of an address to the CVWA general assembly regarding his proposal for the CVWA Piece Corps. He states, "I have, therefore, chosen this time and this place to discuss a topic on which ignorance too often abounds and the truth is too rarely perceived — yet it is the most important topic on earth: world piece. What kind of piece do I mean? I am talking about genuine piece, the kind of piece that makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men to grow."


When asked if the information was authentic, DonJon, Chairman of the CVWA, claimed that "I practiced with Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine, Jack Kennedy was an excellent vagina whisperer, and Jack Kennedy's mind never wandered."

Left: President Kennedy addresses the General Assembly of
The Certified Vagina Whisperers Association. Right: Mimi
Beardsley first recruit for the CVWA Piece Corps.

DonJon to Whisper Vagina on CBS

"I still think Harry Martini Trucker Whore was a better idea for CBS primetime," Harry Martini, publicist to DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - CBS has announced a new one hour weekly series staring DonJonVonavich, MoVaginal Chairman of the Certified Vagina Whisperers Association.

The new series titled, DonJon Texas Walker, is set in Austin, Texas.  DonJon plays the part of a "New American Gigolo" in the weird central Texas town where he is contracted by wealthy older society ladies to service their personal needs.

CBS has stated that the primeime series "will be a big hit with Golden Girls fans."  In each episode DonJon is faced with the challenge of keeping the ladies of Texas shown, stuffed, and sated.  

"DonJon's off screen experience as the Chairman of the Certified Vagina Whisperers Association has proven a treasure trove of content for our script writers," claims the CBS spokesperson.  

DonJon was not available for comment, but his Publicist, Harry Martini of Handled Messiahs Public Relations, provided the following statement:

"DonJon is proud to bring his experience into living the rooms of American families each Thursday at 8:00 EST.  But, I still think Harry Martini Trucker Whore was a better idea for CBS primetime."

DonJon to Whisper Gaga Vagina

"if anyone can coax the Gaga Vagina out it's DonJon, " Harry Martini. 

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Government sources have confirmed that DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and Chairman of the Certified Vagina Whisperer Association (CVWA), has been engaged to resolve the Lady Gaga vagina controversy.  Reports have been circulating that America's latest Pop Sexsation actually has a penis.  An embarrassment that would threaten the delicate balance of world pop culture power.  DonJon is the countries leading Certified Vagina Whisperer licensed to "practice his love with women" worldwide. 

Bryain Moylin of Gawker has pursued an extensive journalistic enquiry into the issue and determined that Lady Gaga was wearing a prosthetic vagina disguising a penis in recent shows.

The recent report that Lady Gaga asked Boy George to sign her vagina has caused concern,   "This is a matter of national security that must be handle delicately," states Janet "Little Napoleon" Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, "We don't feel Boy George is not the man... or person for the job."  

DonJon has been under suspcion by Homeland Security for un-American activities and is concerned they are using this as a ploy to locate him.  "DonJon is happy to render his services to our great country, but would require certain precautions," confirmed Harry Martini, DonJon's Publicist, adding, "If anyone can coax the Gaga vagina out it's DonJon."  

Links:

TV.com: http://www.tv.com/lady-gaga-ask-boy-george-to-sign-her-vagina/webnews/53121.html#

Gawker: http://gawker.com/5474008/lady-gagas-vagina-almost-fooled-us-into-forgetting-about-her-penis

A Lesson from Capt'n DonJonLongDeck

"Watch for t' wigglin' and rapidly steer your prow fore." Capt'n DonJonLongDeck

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Capt'n DonJonLongDeck has be gracious enough to provide a lesson for our members...

Arr, Me Vagina Whispering Hearties,  

T' Women love ye Pirate... Last night, I was at t' was at a littl' party, it was a group o' beautiful hipsters, a smatterin' o' artists, and one Amaroti Pirate in t' crowd trawlin' for booty... some very fine booty for sure.  As Amaroti Pirates we have been taught that a good effort is better than a grand exit... So we never abandon ship.  

Today, I will offer ye bilge rats a smatterin' o' me efforts, one in particular that may help.  Capt'n Zan has given us our orders; one written in beautiful prose, that "Life is a Dance."  It is in this profound thought that lay the path t' grand treaayes... yes the booty of ye eayes is in t' Dance o' Life.  

Arr, but here is me lesson... I spotted a glowin' bronze beauty wigglin' impatiently across t' room... Avast, what a beauty... My hornpipe was tinglin' smartly.  She had shaply thin legs t' depth o' t' Atlantic wrapped in tight dark denim that landed on a rollin' fertile island wit' a narrow shoreline sweepin' t' petite pronounced hills firmly peakin' t' the sky.  Dark black flora that glowed in t' moonlight.  Ahoy, Prepare to be boarded... Now, put ye grog down mates, and listen carefully.

T' wigglin' means she has t' dance in her body... t' Dance o' Life, mates... T' wigglin' is a sign callin' t' Amaroti Pirate... Ahoy, ya' must have t' Dance o' Life as well... Be a Dancin' Amorati Pirate.

She was a wigglin' to t' music tryin' to get her mate to move with her, but he was a hipster bung hole and couldn't see to it.  Now keep in mind this was not a dancin' venue and t' squeamish, t' hipster, and t' self-conscious are afraid of t' Dance o' Life.  At the perfect moment, I began to dance with myself near t' beauty of me eayes, t' only mate dancin' in fact.  I saw from her movement that she must dance, she could not stop movin'.  In a mere fraction of a minute t' Ol' Sea Dog had her in hand... she came to me, before I could approach... she was lured into my quarters by t' Dance o' Life.  

T' rest is future history...   

T' lesson of t' story?  Watch for t' wigglin' and rapidly steer your prow fore.

Fair Winds, Me CVA Hearties, I am

Capt'n DonJonLongDeck of t' Frigate Bootylicious 

Mysterious Probe Spotted Retreating from Urvaginus

"We have a gentleman's agreement; I will probe Urvaginus first,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - MoBoho University Asstronomers spotted a mysterious X-shaped probe beating a hasty retreat from Urvaginus trailing Interstellar Spermal Streamers. Close inspection of the image, captured by NASA's Hubble Telescope, indicates that the probe may be property of Virgin Intergalactic, owned by Sir Richard “The De-Virginator” Branson. If true, the penetration of Urvaginus and premature retraction would be a breech of contract with DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy over landing rights to the Planet. 

Asstronomers at MoBoho University recently discovered the Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus. DonJonVonavich, MoBoho Dean of Students, dubbed the new planet "Urvaginus," and hailed it a "Life Affirming Discovery." Adding, "Trust me, I will live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

Within weeks of the discovery, DonJon announced a joint venture with Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus. The New Corporation, MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, was incorporated and Branson dedicated his largest Probe to the project. Initial tests of his Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation. DonJon is scheduled to led an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus. 

It is uncertain if this announcement will jeopardize the expedition. "I respect Branson as a leader in tapping Virgin territory," stated DonJon, "But, we have a gentleman's agreement; I probe Urvaginus first. It is an alluring prize, if he is only thinking with his Interstellar Probe he will easily be drawn into the tain'tisphere of the Planet. Once the tain'tisphere is penetrated, he can't resist landing his Probe." When asked if his Probe and the Planet had any contact, Branson answered, "Uh, I don't know what your talking about... Uh, probe Urvaginus? Uh, no of course not... Uh, why do you ask?"

Urvaginus has been embroiled in controversy from the beginning of it's discovery. The Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and claimed their Theostronomers had discovered Urpenis tucked tightly in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.

Links:

NASA - Hubble Space Telescope - http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hubble/science/asteroid-20100202.html

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

DonJon Announces Virgin Joint Venture to Penetrate Urvaginus

"I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and MoVaginal Chairman of The Certified Vagina Whisperers Association (CVWA), announced a joint venture with Sir Richard "The De-Virginator" Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus within the decade.  

Asstrologists at MoBoho University recently discovered the New Planet while exploring the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  "We had no idea what was at the other end," claims MoBoho Senior Asstrologist, Dr. Dick Hurtz. 

The New Corporation, dubbed MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, is devoted to the exploration of the Mons Pubis laden Planet.  Branson, a pioneer in Intergalactic Travel and renowned De-Virginator,  has dedicated his largest Probe to the the venture, named the Probus-Mons-Pubis Intergalactic Pleasure Ship.  "We will penetrate Urvaginus from every Angle with our Pleasure Ship until we are Satisfied," states Branson. 

Initial tests of Branson's Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation.  "The Probe was stroked and ready for Interstellar Penetration, but couldn't hold it's tanks," claims Branson.    

DonJon will lead an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus.  "She will not be easy to land," states DonJon, "I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia." 

In a related story, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ (LogBaggers4C) have retained the services of Professor Bimm, Mad Pseudo-Scientist and Living Root Vegetable, to disprove the existence of Urvaginus.  The LogBaggers4Cs have denounce the planetary discovery as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist." 

"If anyone can disprove the existence of Urvaginus, It is Professor Bimm," states the LogBaggers4C spokesperson, Hymie Hyman.  Professor Bimm works at Harvard University's Ivory Basement diabolically plotting to negate the life's work of the Good Citizens of the World.

Links:

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635